dear Ms. Peirano,
I have a Problem. I live in a compromise relationship, because I think my body itself is so ugly that I think no other man can find me attractive. Even if I don’t seem outwardly so. In any case, my work colleague was always secretly an Option for me, we have flirted but from above am reasons I never went further. This went on for three years. Then I decided me and my Partner to have a child and it worked. Our young generation is truly my greatest joy.
Now this colleague, I was shocked with my news of the pregnancy – I have fallen in love seen in his eyes and he asked my best friend if I was a really happy – in this friend. The two now want to get married. I would treat her happiness so much, because you are on cloud 7. But I can’t do it. I’m so jealous…
So much So that I pull myself back. My colleague has done with me, since I am a mother and shows no interest in me. I have had a few men in my life, but rarely have I thought, to meeting a soul mate like him. And I have to be honest: I’ve always thought that he is in a later life an Option for me. This Option is now dead forever. It is difficult for me to withstand it. I know how self-centered I am. I’ve got a family, a man who is nice, and a beautiful, healthy son. But I can’t get over it.
many, Many thanks and many greetings,
love, Carina B.,
As I read your Letter, I had the impression that you have very much sort in your life! The root of your problems seems to be, as you write it by yourself, your self-doubt and low self-esteem. I think that it would be important to deal with your relationship to your body. Do you have a guess why you may not suffer? Expressed by their parents, often disparagingly about her body (e.g. “you’re fat” “you’re a klutz”, “glasses snake”?). Or you have been comrades in the school of class because of their appearance irritated? Or were there experiences of Abuse? This must be not only sexual abuse, it could also be emotional abuse (lack of love, harsh punishments, indifference, …). All of these experiences can destroy self-esteem!
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). I would point out that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on stern.de published.
What had her mother to her own body? She felt comfortable, she was aware of their femininity-conscious and well-groomed, beautifully dressed and happy in the mirror looked at? Or your mother has issues with their own appearance (e.g., constantly on a diet, criticize, or completely neglect)?
I admire it always, like little girl decked in southern Europe or South America, cuddled, and praised. All the female Relatives (mother, aunts, grandmothers, sister, cousins) are smitten with little girls, teach them the first dance steps, shower them with affection and pet names (“my star”, “my love”, “my little angel”, etc.). No wonder that with such a Childhood, many southern women are aware of their own beauty and erotic charisma aware according to tighten and behavior. Often, regardless of how attractive you are as an adult: The little star or little angel still exudes from them.
I think that it is very important for you to recognize the causes of their enmity with your body and then mind anzuwirken. Therapy would be definitely helpful because it is about a negative experience to review and develop new beliefs. “I’m so ugly, that I wouldn’t love” to “I like my body and treated him lovingly”. This is a long and rocky road.
But then, if you love yourself, you can stop the discontent and everything that goes with it: their envy, their compromise solutions, such as their current relationship and their difficulties, to decide, is doing what you really good.
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On the one hand, it is tragic that you have told your colleagues what you feel for him, because apparently it would have given a Chance on a relationship. On the other hand, they themselves know that you want to mess with your environment, if you are as you say, so self-centered, jealous and envious, and people like chess pieces in your life see and treat. Your Partner serves you as a last resort and the producer of a child. There is little Chance of a loving relationship on an equal footing. Your best friend is happy now, but you don’t treat her this happiness – including the friendship suffers for sure extremely, if it is not broken already. And your colleague has suffered even including that you have chosen for him, or at least have tried to have a relationship with him. Who would not want to be a replacement player, might be used if the other knows more?
in this respect, I recommend you really to start a therapy in order to improve their relationship with themselves and thus more prosperous, and love wool deal full with your closest people. So that they are not likely to build any real proximity to people, if you treat others as you yourself want to be treated.
I wish you all the best, to learn, to love yourself really!
Warm regards, Julia Peirano