dear Ms. Peirano,

sometimes I have the feeling that I have two personalities. I am a self-confident 31-year-old woman, who likes to say their opinion and sometimes little regard to other takes. To me, it is often important to represent my opinion, than the other.

In love, but it is completely different and I don’t understand why. I have fears of loss, the develop, but usually only later in a relationship (the greater the love, the more fear). Even if I were to meet someone, I quickly afraid to be rejected. I can’t stand it, then hardly waiting for news or answers (e.g. in the case of Whatsapp). Especially if I like the man and I could imagine.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love I have a good husband, but longing for a passionate love

I doubt much, whether the Person likes me, always wants to know immediately where I am, but somehow not, because it could well be that the man feels the same way. I bend completely, hold back with my opinion often and leave me a lot of favor to this man fall to miss.

Why? Outside of the “love” I’m not not so, and later on in a relationship. Once the Person is acting weird, does not reply or felt no interest, I panicked, almost scared, hold on to this feeling then hardly still. What can I do about it? What should I do, how I could change my behavior?

Many greetings,
Sonja T.

love Sonja T.,

you have made a very interesting observation when you say that you behave in everyday life is very different than in love relationships.

I have occupied myself intensively with the Differences between the everyday personality and the relationship with personality.

We humans differ in our personality from each other, and most of the time this difference to fall at the very first glance. For example, you know pretty quickly whether the seller is in the Store friendly and courteous, whether the class teacher, the daughter performs consistently and reliably by what they announced, and if the Boss is not moving fast out of the skin, if something is to your liking.

scientists have recognized these differences in various personality traits, and models develop, which can be used to describe, for example, through questionnaires or third-party assessment a human rights-well.

A classic of these models, the Big Five model captures, for example, the features

Extraversion (i.e., the extent to which someone is in contact with other people sociable, and uninhibited)compatibility (i.e., how friendly, charming and sociable someone is)conscientiousness (the extent to which someone is correct and reliable, and rules are followed)openness to experience (the extent to which someone is open-minded, to learn other cultures, taste unfamiliar food, or to expand his horizons) undNeurotizismus, the fact is, how stable or unstable the person responds to stimuli, problems, changes and conflicts. Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

Blankenese, I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). I would point out that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

As I said, the everyday personality of friends, colleagues and other people in our environment, we can often quickly and well describe. The Problem is that the everyday personality does not have to testify something about how we behave in love relationships. A friend of mine is always very polite and understanding. Only your Partner (and Ex-Partner) can’t do anything right. He is cutting the carrots wrong, the baby beanie 2 cm to far to the rear, has reserved the wrong table in the Restaurant, etc. she complains all day and spoils the climate discussions.

There are even more drastic examples can hardly believe it. Again and again, stories come to us, for example, to ears, in which the outwardly respectable and responsible family fathers Sex with underage prostitutes had. Even though you have a daughter at home to take care of them lovingly.

And often I hear that people that occur in everyday life, self-confident and even dominant, to feel in your relationships is uncertain, and be subordinate to it.

The differences between the relationship of personality and the everyday personality in order to do that we are in loving relationships, behaviors reveal and experience feelings that we have in our Childhood in very close relations have experienced. The parents house is the school of love. If my father was constantly traveling for work and then when he came home, me as a little girl, around 21 o’clock from sleep has torn and he wanted me to games at the push of a button the cute, clever daughter, then there is a good chance that I’ll get to in love relationships. I find myself unconsciously men are not available, and attempts to be the perfect partner when he comes home.

When my mother rejected me subliminally or openly and criticized, I will later hurt in love relationships, fear of. I don’t To feel inferior, somehow, “right” and somehow-ig. That is to say: too loud, too shy, too emotional, too stupid, too whatever. Usually the origin lies in the fact that a related Person has not understood the feelings, and appreciated, but signaled that it feels wrong. (“Don’t be like that.” “Not over you still on it? It’s about time.” “If you’d think, wouldn’t you…” “Your sister had no problems at all in school…”). Even if the parents of a child to turn away (due to mental or physical illness, death, Overwork, preoccupation with a problematic sibling, separation of parents), deep-behavior of the underlying uncertainty in the binding.

I think that it for you would be worth, in your Childhood, look what loyalty did experience it. Your mother (your father) was loving and reliable for you? Could you trust her/him? Or you were injured – and if so, by what?

How your parents dealt with their feelings? What phrases have you heard often?

If you are insecure in your Childhood, did you recognize the roots of an insecure attachment behavior. You seem to wish on the one hand, and on the other hand have a fear of being rejected, or not enough. This is a vicious circle quickly, because the more you cling, the more likely it is that the man is away from you. This may be due to the fact that you unconsciously and because of their Commitment issues, men find that are not able to engage properly. Or are they tense and perhaps even contradictory, for example, if you are disappointed that the man has discovered too late, and you don’t know whether you can transfer your Anger and cool to do, or whether they should tell him something. One thing is for sure: The man will sense your uncertainty and tension, and either guilty or concentrated feel. And if he escapes, you will still be uncertain…

I would advise you, therefore, to deal with the bonds in their Childhood and relationship injuries. Maybe you can read only once, some of the counselors and then decide whether you want to make a therapy?

Recommended would be “The secret Code of love” by me and Sandra Konrad. In the book it comes to a relationship personality, how it arises and how it is shown. And it is a matter of who fits with whom. Likewise, Yes-no can the book”. Binding fears and cope” by Stefanie steel, as well as the sequel: “From Yes and no to Yes! Fear of commitment, understanding and resolve.” If you know the books, you might steel also from Stefanie, the book: “Every relationship is capable of. The Golden way between freedom and closeness” to read.

I hope that dealing with your own Childhood and fear of Commitment will help you to be more relaxed and be more self-accepting. The self-love and self-care is very important to be in the Dating and in relationships in a more relaxed and happier.

Warm regards, Julia Peirano

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