dear Ms. Peirano,

It’s not about me, but friends of the Couple, Nico and Anne. Anne was formerly a colleague of mine and is still a close friend. My husband is a friend of some years with Nico and we meet the four of us more often or with other friends.

a few days Ago, and I’ve seen Nico in the Park, with another woman, completely oblivious to the Kiss. I was completely shocked, because the two have a two year old daughter and only a few months ago married. As I walked past the two, Nico saw me from the corner of my eye, but I’m not sure if he recognized me. Because I’m actually 20 kilometres away, was the day just happened to be in the Park.

I am now the whole time trying to Think if I should tell Anne. I don’t want to be responsible if their marriage breaks down. This worries me very much. So far, I have not spoken to anyone about it.

What do you advise me?


Stephanie G.

love Stephanie G.,

I can well understand that you feel with the Situation very uncomfortable and the feeling will have to bear a great responsibility. Because, ultimately, it also depends on whether Nico’s affair comes to light.

However, I would like to ask you to look at the Situation from the perspective of a neutral third Person (this often helps to get a clear head). Then you would clearly see that Nico is the one who puts his relationship in jeopardy, because he’s having an affair.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). I would point out that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

And also, he is taking a risk by showing up with the other woman in Public, where he can be seen. In this respect, he bears the responsibility for his behavior, and of course, Anne is also responsible for your dealings so that when the matter comes to light. So you have a little work to do. Also, you are not responsible, whether in the relationship between the two may be something is missing or goes wrong, so the door is open for a foreign relationship. Also for Anne’s choice of a partner they can do nothing. Perhaps the two have agreed that Flirts and Affairs are in order.

you know the background of the relationship is not exact. But you feel that you have to get without to want it deeper insights, as it is dear to you. Nico has risked someone spotting him with another woman, and he had bad luck: He was seen, even by you, a close friend.

you wrote that it comes to you, but to your friends. I find that it goes very well for you, the negative feelings, the flirting, your Knowledge of Nicos/outdoor relationship. And your Conscience tells you that you don’t have to make a decision, you are not easy at all. So you are overwhelmed, understandably.

Because whatever you do now could be absolutely wrong.

option A: you call Anne and tell her what you have seen. This is guaranteed to bring Nico, but may also, Anne will be upset because you have told her without being asked. The experience of many couple therapists, however, is that most people want to learn from an affair, because you can then decide for yourself what you make. And often a relationship can be saved if an outside relationship is early revealed. Then both of them can not check if something in the relationship to be true – often you can work on it before you move away further from each other.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love My parents-in-law. to dominate our lives and disregard me

But of course, you can’t be sure whether Anne would like to know in General, like, if Nico has an intimate relationship with another woman Perhaps it would not be in the Moment with a small child – rather, to learn the inconvenient truth, so that everything can continue as before. You can’t know what Anne is just the Best, and that is exactly what she does.

option B: you mention Anne to what you have seen and ask yourself clueless. However, this will strain your friendship with Anne, because you need to adjust. You may be wondering if Nico still has a relationship with another woman, and Anne is lying to. You will see the relationship of the two in a different light, and if in some time the really big problems between the two arise, and disconnect may be, can’t you tell what you saw that day in the Park…

you can feel it even through her inner turmoil. Here you can see clearly once again, that both options are really problematic and they can be with no one satisfied.

I would therefore propose the following: How would it be if you turn to Nico, who has created this Situation? You could call him or meet and tell him that you have seen him and had told her not to feel well. You can then ask him to rectify the Situation, by pouring self-Anne pure wine and also told me that she saw him and then approached.

Thus, you give the responsibility (you could also say: the black Peter) Nico, it’s you. And if Nico indicates to you after his conversation with Anne, that he has spoken with Anne, you can deal with her and the two of them together again, open and unobstructed.

Probably, under the circumstances, is still the most elegant solution.


Julia Peirano


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