dear Ms. Peirano,

I have a big Problem, but this does not affect myself, but my brother and his wife. My sister-in-law got five months ago to have a Baby and it is very cold and unloving with her daughter. She’s not talking with her, she takes only on the Arm, if you must be wrapped or lined, and never says her name or nickname. She says: “the Baby”.

My sister-in-law has always been a career woman. Very attractive, and constantly the most fashionable clothes, perfectly styled, great figure thanks to the gym and a strict diet, working in a newsroom. I like you (sort of), but I’ve already gotten earlier with no real reference to her.

treated Since the birth of the child my husband and I with our children (4 and 2) were twice for a weekend visit with my brother and my sister – in-law, and I was always scared about how the two have handled the child-or rather not have. The Little one has everything Material thing you can think of, super the stroller, crib, clothes, cloth, animals, and the parents show her no love, and this is not just a high, if it is different.

both of you just talking, actually, as the Little soon to be able to take care of, so you can get back to work, undisturbed, full-time. But they are all very positive and unproblematic. The two also plan for the next child no later than 18 months after the first born, so the two can play together and the baby break is as short as possible. Since I was quite different. How can you put a second child into the world, if you have already for the first. But the two have luck, because the Small is pretty quiet.

I’ve wondered occasionally, whether my sister-in-law is a kind of postpartum-Depression. But it is, as always, get your life together, goes to the gym and shopping, and looks as slim and fit as I was before the pregnancy.

I would like to take care of more often to the Baby, so she can get love. But we live 300 miles away and have to do with our family. My mother is slightly more likely to have the Baby, but she also works and has not so much time. It is my opinion and it also makes them sad, how cold the two of them are to the Baby.

It is very hard for me to watch, but I’m afraid to say something. I can imagine that my brother and his wife do not want to be in your life purely talk.

you See a other way to help the Baby?


Marina G.

dear Marina G.,

I can well imagine that you feel torn up inside. On the one side, you can see your little niece and have the instinctive desire to protect the Baby and, together with the Rest of the family to ensure that it has everything it needs to grow into a healthy and stable people. Their experienced eyes (you don’t see yourself as a mother), that this little Baby has by far everything it needs. It gets a little physical love, tenderness, Affection, love full speech – and it is not the center of attention of his parents.

And here’s the other side comes into play: they see this abuse, but you felt bound by the hands to change something about it. You have neither the possibility nor the close contact with the sister-in-law to take her niece under his wing and give her the love, can not give her parents her apparently. And you have but to also address concerns that your sister-in-law and brother and tell them what you have observed.

No man likes to hear that he makes in dealing with his children. You can see the clothing and other equipment for the child that her brother and his wife, you want to put a lot of effort and thoughts to make on your own. that the child is doing well – by ensuring that it has everything. They also carefully plan when and why should a second child come as a playmate. This shows that the parents worry how their family will stand. However, they place great value on the external factors. This is not surprising, because this is the language that speaks to your sister-in-law. You put in a lot of value on their appearance, their success, and the outer frame. Is it likely to endure for your sister-in-law that your Baby can still provide no achievements and little Material. Instead, it is a Cuddle on a very physical, almost animalistic level: eat, Sleep,.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). I would point out that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

Probably it would be for your sister-in-law is incomprehensible, if you tell her that it is important for babies, especially very different things. Babies need body contact, so you can even feel it. By means of taps on the nervous system is stimulated and formed. And of course babies feel the love and protection of their parents can most directly through body contact. The experience that the parents lovingly care for their own needs and are available, forms a basic trust. Later, a secure bond to the parents which leads in the adults living in partnerships to a secure attachment style develops in positive experiences. You trust the Partner, can open up to him and ask for help, like, close, but it is also a good Partner for some time, something separate enterprises. Partnerships between safe-bound people are happier and last longer than those of insecure-bound people.

children who are a little touched, or stroked, are sick more often and may be impaired in their mental development. You have contact difficulties, and depressive traits, often your self is damaged-esteem, they could not make the experience, to be accepted (even if it roars in the night the parents from sleep).

it is Also for speech and language development and the link between the nerves in the brain is very important that parents talk a lot with your children. It is not only language, but also emotions formed. The Baby learns whether the father or the mother reflects the feelings (e.g., with a laugh, when faxing, or Worries, if you even crying). This emotional connection is extremely important for the development. In the case of children of, e.g., schizophrenic, depressed parents share a great deal of uncertainty in dealing with feelings is often.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love I yearn for closeness and Sex, but I can’t find a Partner

All the shows: they make, therefore, is right to Worry about the Baby. Something is wrong with him, even though it seems to have everything. In particular, in the case of children, outwardly, everything, be noted that the inner needs and deficiencies, often much later.

What you can do to come out of helplessness? I think you should think about what would want to your niece, if she could speak. You would probably say that she needs more love and warmth. Do you think your sister-in-law can give to her? I suspect that it has to be in big trouble. You may even have been treated the way you treated your daughter, and can develop little empathy.

you See in your brother, someone who will deal tenderly and lovingly with small children, or could at least learn? What would he say to the Situation, when he would speak openly? He noted the instance of maladministration, or everything is all right with him? And he would be willing to talk more with the child and cuddle?

Perhaps you can talk first with her mother and the observations of exchange that you have made. As a second step, you could talk both with her brother and him to these observations, a careful and descriptive. Rather: “We have seen that your little one speaking to the child” as the Interpretation, “you’re cold and distant”. Maybe you can prepare the Figures and the studies, because sometimes people who are very Interested in facts and Figures (like their sister-in-law) more likely to react to facts and Figures than on emotions.

you remember that your sister-in-law wants to make everything good and working (to earn money, fancy clothes, good environment) – it seems to rotate only in the Moment for the development phase of the child on the wrong lever and have little sense of what the right lever.

If your sister-in-law was not able to learn the sense and the instinct for the needs of the baby, it might be hard to learn in a short period of time.

however, Since the first months (the first three years) are critical for the training of Life, it would be very important that as quickly as possible will be traded.

Perhaps the family would be relieved, if a loving and empathetic children would set the woman gives the Baby what it needs? If that were financially possible, is the individual care provided by a children a woman is likely to be better than the care in a crib. And maybe your sister-in-law is, ultimately, more fulfilling as a full-time working mother?

I wish you and your family all the best and especially that you find a loving care for her niece.


Julia Peirano


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