dear Ms. Peirano,

I am writing to you because I have the Dating a Problem: I fall in love too quickly and I am always disappointed and hurt when the man reciprocated my feelings.

In the last relations, is actually always happens the Same. I met a man, either online or in reality. We have been chatting, I had the feeling that he makes me the farm and made an effort. Then there was the first Meeting, and if it went well, I had then the feeling that only this man think.

I have an interesting life: I’m 33, a Doctor, have a lot of friends, and sing in a Band and driving intense Sport.

Then I started to wait for the man volunteered. I usually had my phone to Hand and was then disappointed subliminally, if he had not written. Of course I followed the rules and done so, as when I filled and hard-to-non-‘m busy, so I seem to be in need of. But the truth is, you can think of. I spent the next Meeting was desperately, tons of underwear, and cosmetics, and thought of what I might type next.

even I know how absurd that is. I feel like I’m a Teenager and I am actually an adult, interesting woman.

next, the second Meeting, maybe the third came, and by then, we were intimate. I wanted to know how it goes, but of course I respected the rules and the topic is not broached. I don’t wanna rush anything.

In my circle of friends, happens quite often. The men are interested in for a while, but then they gradually disappear from the life, and also explain what is going on. You can come and go as you want. Some Girlfriends hook, but that only adds more Stress.

I wish me, that I fall in love so quickly. The men manage somehow to take all of that loose and, apparently, not so strong feelings. And we women are so in love quickly and would immediately give it all, if someone comes close to us.

What can I do to be a bit more relaxed?


Hanna G.

dear Hanna, G.,

you have observed, what happens in you life partner. They fall in love quite quickly. I would love to go with you to the last Detail and carefully examine how they fall in love. Because although it occurs frequently so, as the infatuation would hit you like Cupid’s arrow, we are even pretty active to generate these feelings.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).

emotions and physical symptoms are difficult to generate directly. I can’t be sad or – even harder – to me, to be happy, when I’m actually a little loaded. But I can affect my feelings through thoughts, and through certain behaviors. (This takes a little often, then it works, but)

An example of how I can affect emotions through thought: I have a fear of medical intervention and times of me, what can it all go bad wrong. The result is tension, anxiety, heart palpitations and nervousness. I can say, however, that It is a routine procedure for Doctors is a small thing, and in two weeks I will be back on the tennis. Then I’m going to be more relaxed in the clinic.

change behavior can feelings. If you are a bit upset and mopey and rouses itself for a swim or to go for a run, from the looks of things, the world is much more positive. Or when I’m hectic and the Overview of lose, can I make a very conscious a banal routine activity (e.g. Ironing, a drawer to clean up), to signal to me: It’s all ok. You even have time for Ironing. Relaxation exercises work wonders, and they even affect the thoughts positive.

Therefore, you can examine your thoughts, if you learn to know a man.

What are the myths and fairy tales you tell yourself about partnerships? What you perceive society?

examples: “The most satisfying thing in life is a happy partnership.” Or: “Without a man something’s missing to me” or “I’m not complete if I’m Single.”

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love We had eight years of no Sex now we can start easy again?

to Write these sentences and pay attention to how many films, operas, songs, Musicals, and novels revolve around romantic love. And how is it in your environment: How many happy couples you know? What are the people who are in a relationship, report: Is for the life of a single Paradise? You take a look at the dark side of relationships: respect, (two rotten) compromise, strife, jealousy, boredom, disappointments, and injuries…

It sure would be helpful, also without a Partner a happy and fulfilled future. How could your life look like if you stay Single? What are the advantages of this way of life?

what are your thoughts on Dating? You have the feeling that there are lots of potential partners, or that a good Partner is as rare as the needle in the haystack? How to influence the thoughts of their partner choice? For example, you have the feeling to have a good man hold on to, because good men are so rare? Or you have the feeling that there are many, and if it is not this, is at the next corner, other? The latter would make them sure casual. Well a is uch, the thought: “If the man is the Right one, everything will feel effortless. Because he will be on the Ball and remember what I mean to him.”

What is the hurdle you must take a man with you, so that you have the feeling: “is something for me?” It is enough if he hits you a few times and the interest in them shows? Or there should be a special connection between them? How would you feel if there is this connection? Paint them intense and full of Details for a shared future, although nothing like that is planned? Be careful with such fantasies, they act like emotional glue. It is often difficult to distinguish what is actually really happening (sometimes a little breath-taking) and what you all (Exciting! Intense!).

Is it important to you that a man is reliable and stable, and to his word? You could imagine that you want to meet ‘candidates’ in and want to see if he is good for you. That would mean that he reports regularly and on the Ball remains, you can not wriggle. In the song “Tangled up” by Caro Emerald, it says:

“Treating girls like a yo-yo is a no no of monumental kind” (It is a huge mistake treating girls like a yo-Yo”

How would it be if you imagine the beginning of a relationship, in which you can remain calm, relaxed and confident? And imagine, to immediately go back two steps, when a man treats you with disrespect, or unclear? What do you think when a man behaves unclear, or carelessly – sorry for his behavior internally? Or do you think that he is not likely to be seriously interested in a relationship, or difficulties involved?

The behaviour: be careful how often you take your phone in the Hand, or messages out. There are Apps, media consumption, according to their ideas of rules, such as the “RealizD” or “Moment”. Every hour that you do intentionally break and unavailable, makes you inwardly independent. Try this time aware of it as a break of the intra-relationship of stress to perceive, you create.

many of the things in which you feel satisfied and complete. Try to stick to it as much as possible, in the Moment and not lose yourself in fantasies, when and how the next Meeting with the man. They plan activities that give you pleasure (e.g. Dancing).

you Reserve time for yourself (e.g. for Sport) and you say again and again: “I just have fun. A man would bring my Routine messed up now.”

Be very careful with your physical limits. There is a certain intimacy boundaries, in which they open a very and strong feelings develop? If you start for example when Kissing or during Sex, to bind to the man, could you tell him that you want to until you feel safe. This sets a clear Signal. A lot of men can, in fact, not a woman, if you don’t feel that the woman shows enough feelings. And because they hold themselves back, no questions according to the perspective and not cling, it is conceivable that the men are not aware of how strong their feelings are.

I hope I could encourage you to deal with that, how exactly do you fall in love – and what you can do to create a pleasant internal counter-weight. Then you will feel, hopefully, in the future, not as delivered.


Julia Peirano


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