dear Ms. Peirano,

I am writing to you because I desperately am and scared for our family of 5. My wife and I had three weeks ago a heated argument. This dispute, some of the conversations in which it has crystallized that we have located pretty far from each other followed.

Probably, or obviously, I’ve made it too easy for me – she has actually organized everything and planned, I introduced in the household and, occasionally, with the kids taken care of. I have accepted this System as a matter of course. It’s all in delivery, Yes.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love My boyfriend loves me more than I him and I am ashamed of the p <> it was – I had the last few weeks very much time to Recap – just being a little selfish, especially since I’ve shown my wife never had the appreciation and the thanks they deserved due to this family management. In addition, I do not (anymore) interested in me especially for you and your problems and your this feeling, so she sought out other conversation partners.

Currently I’m trying to the points raised address. The works – in my eyes – amazingly well, even if I want to do everything at once. Our children (7 years + twice in 3 years) are fond of me and I get mad, what an Idiot I was.

but she feels because of my “activism” concentrated and relieves me of my behavior does not really. She thinks I’m only doing this because I’m afraid of. I want to show her that I (am back) for you and the children – now and in the future.

she says that she will not kick me out the house belongs to 50 per cent her and 50 per cent of their parents, who live in the same house (separate) – because I’ve done nothing. She says that her experience has shown in the last year where it was particularly bad – that she will not go well without me, she needs me, actually.

she says, however, that you know how to go on. Currently you would like to watch the daily with each other designed to meet then – at some point – time for a final decision. This would also apply to a I have referred to couple therapy. Currently, she makes this topic with the note “what to tell me because, I have done nothing wrong?”.

What do you mean? How can I convince you that my current behavior is not to panic, but my contribution to save our marriage? They believe that this is even possible? I love my wife still. I realize it’s because of how often I think of you.


Frank B.

Dear Frank B.,

It sounds as if you are sitting in a quandary. Whatever you do, do not lead to an improvement. A colleague of mine has identified such situations as “rights – of-shit, left-wing shit” – Situation.

is injured, If you continue to behave in the way in the last year and unlikely to be interested in your wife and show to the children, your wife and shows you the cold shoulder. This helps so nothing to improve the situation.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). I would point out that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

If you show the behavior that your wife really want from them, namely, active and interested in the family not to bring in, then brings you to the now, because your wife can’t believe the sudden u-turn of 180 degrees. Nevertheless, it is without a doubt the better way to continue to show interest and commitment.

to Me it is as if your wife has lost trust in you. I experience that by the way, many of the partners who have long struggled in vain to get Affection, or by Using or seeking freedom, and then, often after a separation threat, suddenly get. You can find it after the long losing streak is very hard to believe that something sustainable has changed and the Partner has now realised that he must give something.

And it is often the case that the Partner who was so disappointed in a long time, and in the relationship minus business has made (such as in your case, your wife), then fight, if he can put a stop to this, a Relationship with an account. Most of the time he or she realizes that their feelings are due to the futile struggles noticeably. This is tragic, but not hopeless.

your wife comes to me very disillusioned and burned out, with a sober balance sheet, that they would without you very well. What I lack in all of history, is a confrontation with their own motives. Why you have the relationship and the family over a long period of time loop? The Declaration that your help had not been needed as everything was, I think, is a superficial view. Especially since you have a 3-year-old (and a few years ago, younger of twins), will have rotated your wife is probably like all the twin moms on the wheel.

What is inwardly exercised in them, that they have not assumed their responsibility for the family? What are you busy instead? How it went to you in time – have also felt lonely? It would be very important that you go to your own motives to the bottom of it. This can be very painful, but it is a very important step to a change in behavior and personality development.

I think that, in the case of emotional alienation is very important to open up again to each other and to see what is going on in themselves and in a Partner really. Often this happens in a couple’s therapy – and therefore, I think that a couple therapy would be very important if you want to see, whether your relationship is salvageable.

In the couple therapy by couples in a crisis, the following often happens: One Partner is told something Sad (for example, that he has felt alone or neglected) and the other Partner does not respond sensitively to that. Maybe he is justified, while the Partner is crying, or he looks impassively out of the windowter, or by trying to attract the attention of the therapist and his injuries.

these are clear signs that the relationship is at risk. The therapist will then point out the sadness of a partner and try to bring the Pair in contact. For many couples, the manage, if you had a certain amount of time the space to be able to show injury from the Partner, understanding and compassion have to get. Then the wounds can heal.

In their relationship sure, therefore, to clarify the proportions of the crisis – as I said, it is important that you look for deeper. A heartfelt apology can help a lot. But perhaps your wife also has a share, for example, by you indicates that you is also without you.

Still, some therapies are far more than the processing of violations. It also developed agreements and taken, how a Couple divides the duties in child care, in the budget and in the financial area. It’s about how one expresses wishes (not many people are there in the way of by formulate wishes or demanding or accusations fully present, so that the Partner has no desire to meet you.) It comes to show praise and recognition, and to consider what Form of recognition when a Partner comes out on top.

And it is fundamentally about, to laugh together again, to be tender to each other to make beautiful things and to talk relaxed with each other.

It would certainly be a positive first step, if you go together to a couples therapy. In the case of skeptical partners, it often helps to agree on only a single hour to Sniff, and then continue to watch.

I very much hope that you will manage the hardening and again to soften up and develop a positive perspective.


Julia Peirano


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