dear Dr. Peirano,
My husband and I love each other very much. But we have not slept for 8 years. It started with the fact that he had erection problems and “him” has been able to introduce. I was disappointed and frustrated. We had less Sex, kiss us, hug us, and have a very close, harmonious and trusting relationship.
I also had an incident with a disc and I wasn’t after Sex. My husband has very strongly increased (25 kg), is a sporty and active and has decreased significantly.
So the topic of Sex came up again, and the two of us is a little bit queasy. Eight years of no Sex, how to start again? This is all about?
two more important things: We are 45 and 48 years old. And there is and was during our relationship, no other sex partners.
I hope you can help us.
dear Petra g.,
I can well imagine, the topic of “Sex“ after eight years of ‘without’ in front of you like a mountain, and the two of you many doubts and uncertainties.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
you describe your relationship as closely, harmoniously, and close. Few therapists know that there are just the couples that have a very (or too) close relationship, often have problems with Lust and sexuality.
Each person and each Couple is feeling two very conflicting basic needs: On the one hand, the desire for comfort, security and closeness and on the other hand, the pursuit of freedom, change, adventure, and conquest. Everyone faces the task to bring these two conflicting sides into harmony, because both are extremely important.
to desire something, you need some distance. This longing and the desire, to approach, to conquer it. What is constantly at your fingertips in front of you, is a habit and loses its appeal. (This would certainly also apply for champagne or the Mediterranean sea on a Sunny day)
to be concrete: you and your husband seem to have become pretty one-sided on the safe, secure range of relationship moves. You have avoided out of fear of Frustration, failure, or refusal, to seduce each other, and to conquer. So a physical and emotional barrier is created to keep both of them away. The erotic and sexual area, you may become a stranger, because he was not revived.
you are now in a comfort zone, but that also has its price. The eroticism was turned off.
The question now is whether the habit to break and the erotic back of the line. Of course, this raises many questions: can you Find your husband and he finds them after the long abstinence phase is still sexually desirable? It will cost you for sure have the courage to ask this question and ask in the next step, her husband, as it is the sexual attraction ordered.
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love My wife is talking without a point and a comma – I want to be the only calm
Helpful it is also, in itself, to begin again and to take care of your Lust and eroticism. You feel pleasure – and to whom? It could be that you find other men attractive (actors, distant Acquaintances, friends…). Do you perceive yourself as a woman and as an attractive woman? Make sure, however, how they dress, what fragrance you are applying, how you move, and try to show yourself as you like.
When to employ which is far away, it would be very important as the first. You observe, how other men react to them. You get a lot of meaningful glances or compliments, touching men you? Only when you (feel) their erotic aura, it is much easier to Sex. The next step would be for you to heat up the climate in your relationship is a few degrees by, for example, well, your man, touch him and also a few ambiguous messages, or to make allusions.
Watch your man closely: What do you find him physically attractive? How was it in the first time of their relationship? What, you found him desirable? His voice, his butt or his belly, certain looks? How is the today? And be honest to yourself, if you should find that the erotic train with him is awesome. You have managed without Sex for a happy relationship.
I would you and your husband recommend, to speak openly about sexuality, and about sexual desires and Fears. However, I can imagine that it would be helpful to have those conversations with a sex therapist or a sex therapist.
Eight years without Sex for a very long time, and I am very skeptical that they will be without outside impulses alone again fulfilling Sex. It would be a shame if they dare to approach the subject and be disappointed and then give up.
sex therapist can help you with many things:
you can improve is the first the feeling for the own body and to both men and women will help you to explore your own body and your own gender, find out what gives pleasure and to know yourself better.It talks about the their own pleasure and the erotic can be managed: What can I find in me attractive, which to my Partner? How I imagine sexuality? What excites me (what language, what Gestures of seduction, which movements, which is the smell, which scenario) and what I’m not clear?If your husband continues to have erectile dysfunction, you can to remedy the situation (be it by drugs, be it by Masturbation techniques) you can about your relationship and speak on the pages, the desire to create and the Lust prevent and ausbremsenEs to the second guidance on certain practices, so that they are step-by-step guides to touch again with pleasure. It is also discussed what has disturbed or hindered
I would recommend you, therefore, to a therapist with a focus on sex therapy. And fear not: In therapy, both clothed. It is only spoken!
As the first entry, I can recommend the book “Make more Love“ by Ann-Marlene Henning and Anika of the Emperor.
All the best to you!